It’s also important to watch out for your own feelings of threat and fear during conversations, because these can get in the way of being responsive, loving, and still firm – as needed – when things get tough. It may help to track your own mood, and step away from a conversation when you are not in the right headspace. Parents and children both benefit when these conversations take place after a good rest, or at least a deep breath. Listening well, and using ideal tones of voice and words to convey messages to teens, may be difficult when parents are exhausted, under pressure, or have been dealing with difficult behaviour from their children. In contrast, pressuring tones of voice can alienate young people and undermine efforts to communicate effectively for positive change. My research shows that warm, inviting and soft tones of voice are better received by adolescents, who report that that a supportive tone of voice helps them to get on board with parental messages, feel positive emotions and experience a sense of connection with parents. Not just what parents say, but how they say it, matters. This ultimately helps teenagers to internalise or buy into parental rules and norms. The way you do this can help teenagers understand the importance of a request beyond their parent’s whim.įor example, a parent can give a command: “You have to put down your phone now!” Or, they could give a request with explanation: “It’s important to put the phone down now that we’re having family time so we can connect.” Explaining decisions and making requests may not protect you from teenage protests, but doing so conveys your values and allows your teenager to make a choice about their behaviour. Listening is not always enough, and parents are called to respond to, or direct, their child’s actions. At the start of the conversation, you can explain the difference between wanting to understand and being willing to accommodate your teen. Listening does not require parents to agree to requests without good reason. Researchers are still learning about how parents can best support their teenagers’ needs, but studies conducted so far point to some key things to keep in mind. Conversations that meet these complex needs often require flexibility, responsiveness and patience. To try out different parts of those identities they make more decisions without their parents, some of which can be quite risky.īut teens are still dependent on parents and seek their love and approval – even if they don’t want to admit it. First of all, adolescence is a time when young people develop their own identities. Think about what you say long before you say it to a teen.” Her intuition was surprisingly aligned with research findings (and I suspect it was a message from her to me as well).Ĭonversations with teens are difficult for a number of reasons. Her response was that “teens can get frustrated if you don’t listen properly, or say one thing but do another. In preparation for writing this article, I asked my daughter for her advice to parents of teens. Lean too much – or too little – into commands and restrictions and you’re likely to tip over. Important conversations with teenagers are among the biggest challenges of parenting.
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